Feeling Unloved? Once You Understood This You Will Never Feel Unloved Again.
Many people around us are suffering from feeling unloved and neglected in relationships. May it be a husband-wife, romantic partner, or other family members. Younger or elder everyone wants to feel loved and when they don’t get enough of it they either go cold or try to distance themselves from the person. Or may seek love outside.
In developed countries, the rate is higher than in developing countries. Some of them talk about it openly and seek help and others don’t talk about it and are suffering silently. Those suffering silently are more in numbers.
This is also one of the most important reasons that result in the end of marriage and relationships. Or result in emotional distancing children from parents. This doesn’t mean that husband or wife don’t love each other or parents don’t love their children but it means the love is not reaching the targeted person. Without talking about it, the problem goes on increasing bigger and bigger.
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There could be several reasons why most people are not open about feeling unloved. Such as,
1. UNCOMFORTABLE RELATIONSHIP WITH OTHER PERSON.
You may not be pretty much open with another person with whom you feel unloved. Like your parents, spouse, friends or romantic partner.
2. THEY ARE SHY AND RESERVED.
If the person is shy and reserved and don’t usually share anything with other people. It becomes hard for these people to open up.
3. FEAR OF BREAKING THE RELATIONS.
Some people especially women fear that if they talked openly about it they may end up creating more problems in the relationship.
WHAT DO YOU REALLY MEAN BY FEELING UNLOVED?
This is a little complex to explain; you will understand from the following examples.
In a romantic relationship initially, everything remains all well because of a fresh start both the partners feel loved, cared and euphoric but as time passes one or both of them started feeling that the partner does not love them anymore.
They keep complaining every time or feel neglected. This leads them to distance themselves from each other both emotionally and communication wise. The end result is lifetime compromise or separation.
In this case, both are right in their place, the only problem was one partner’s way of conveying love was different and the other partner’s way of accepting his love was different. I.e. they operate through different love languages.
If the husband knows which is his wife’s love language is it become easy for him to make his wife feel loved and cared for and vice versa.
The same thing applies to family members. If you think your parents don’t love you and you feel unloved all the time. Maybe there are two possibilities more likely they are showing their love with different language but you have a different love language. Or less likely they don’t love you for real.
Coming back to our question i.e. what do you really mean by feeling unloved? If you constantly feel unloved and neglected lately or for several days. You feel that your spouse doesn’t love you or your parents don’t care for you or other members from whom you are seeking love don’t love you.
You feel sad and nervous, emotionally down and depressed. May overthink that what could possibly go wrong or maybe I am not lovable anymore or maybe he/she doesn’t need me anymore.
To understand what has been explained above you must know in detail about love languages.
Excited? Continue reading…
THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES.
Garry Chapman is the person who invented the love languages theory. And authored a book named “Five Love Languages: How To Express Heartfelt Commitment to your mate”.
He himself is the author of multiple books, a PhD scholar, a marriage councillor, and a talk show host on radio.
While doing marriage counselling for several years he realizes that love languages are the reason in many couples that is causing the differences and if anyhow we fix this the problem of feeling unloved will solve automatically.
As per the author, there are five types of love languages,
1. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.
Words of affirmation is talking good things about your loved ones e.g. Suppose your wife has primary love language as words of affirmation. If you praise her for her good deeds, you compliment her for her looks or for her achievements, you say good things about her to her friends when she isn’t there around or you express your love to her in words every time then she will feel loved.
Also, Whishing them for birthdays, anniversaries and other occasions. At least you can put a post on social media to praise them or leave a written note that will do.
Your acknowledgement makes her feel loved and cared for. And you will definitely see the change in her behaviour.
Most of the women have words of affirmation as a primary language.
2. QUALITY TIME.
It is nothing but spending quality time with your loved one. Quality time means it is only you and them without any distraction. For example, spending time with them doing their favourite things or random talks with them while at home with full of your attention toward them without any outside distraction.
Taking a leave from a busy schedule and going on vacation with your spouse or family. Hanging with your loved ones on the beach and talking about random things with no distractions from work. Or watching their favourite show on TV with them. Taking your loved one for a dinner date or short picnic to the park.
Giving your time devoid of distractions is precious for people who have quality time as a primary love language. They feel love and care.
Most of the children and women have this as a primary love language.
Receiving gifts makes us happy, Isn’t it? But some people enjoy this feeling much much more than us. As their primary love language is receiving gifts.
When they receive gifts from their loved ones whether small or expensive they enjoy them and feel loved.
4. ACT OF SERCIVE.
Some people feel loved when they get served by love once. If your partner has this as a primary love language, then they feel loved when you help them in their day to day work or chores. Make food for them or help them to do laundry or help them to clean house they feel loved and cared for.
Your every act of service becomes an act of love for them. When you help them to ease their life they feel loved and cared for.
Most of the men and elderly people have acts of service as their primary love language.
5. PHYSICAL TOUCH.
Some people have physical touch as the primary love language. They feel love and cared for with physical touch. For example, sexual intimacy, hugging, cuddling, kisses, handshaking, holding hands and seating side-by-side etc.
Physical touch sparks the love in them.
As per the author every single person has one primary love language with which he feels love. Some people may have two primary love languages. One primary and other remaining secondary love languages.
This means all the people experiences love with all the five love languages in some percent but their primary love language has the maximum share in experiencing love and care.
WHY AM I FEELING UNLOVED?
If you exclude the exception where a person doesn’t have feelings for you at all. The primary reason why you are feeling unloved is the love language of you is not matching with the love language of your partner or family member.
Let’s understand this with an example, suppose your love language is words of affirmation and your husband showing his love by act of service then it is possible that you don’t feel loved. Instead of him showing unconditional love toward you, you feel unloved because your love language is not matching with the way of loving by your husband and vice versa.
This proves that though you are feeling unloved this doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t love you. You just need a little correction.
You just need to tell which is your primary language to your partner and it will help to blossom your love life again.
HOW TO FEEL LOVED AGAIN
If you understood the concept of love languages it will become easy for you to feel loved again. Here are three ways which will help you feel loved again,
1. CONFRONTING YOUR PRIMARY LOVE LANGUAGE TO YOUR LOVED ONCE.
Tell your partner what makes you happy and feel loved. So that he gets a clear picture of what makes you feel loved. Because it is not necessary every time he will able to find out your primary love language.
2. TRY TO FIND OUT WHAT MAKES YOUR LOVED ONE FEEL LOVED.
If your partner or family members don’t tell you about what makes them happy and loved, you yourself can put extra effort to find out their love language. So that it becomes easy for you.
3. LOVE IS ALWAYS GIVE AND TAKE.
Always remember that love is a give and take phenomenon. To feel loved you have to give it first.
There may be few people who may not resonate with this concept but many will do. So why not to give it a try.
In rare possibility, your partner doesn’t love you (Maybe because of one or more reasons) but most probably your love languages are not resonating with each other.
Could be because parents love is not conveying properly to children. For example, parent’s love language is not matching with children’s love language.
As per Garry Chapman, there are five types of love languages as follows.
1. Words of affirmation.
2. Quality time.
3. Receiving gifts.
4. Act of service.
5. Physical touch.
There is no exact measure to this but roughly the following sequence is observed.
Men – Act of service>Receiving gifts>Physical touch>Quality time>Words of affirmation.
Women – Words of affirmation>Quality time>Physical touch>Receiving gifts>Act of service.